Swimming Sucks

So my friend Anne is notorious for making slit-your-wrists music mixes and she's done it again. Jesus-Mary-Joseph, Anne, I'm already feeling low. Your Silent Face? Oy.

I'm just trying to stay afloat - that's what it feels like - but only for fleeting moments. Most of the time I'm fine. When Dally's awake, I'm fine. But it's night time right now and he's sound asleep. I was pretty OK today and then I went up to my office. I hadn't been up there since Tuesday. When I sat on my bed (yes, I have a bed in my office and no it's not a guest bed - it's my desk) I saw all the paperwork for the pregnancy. When it's confirmed that you're knocked up, you get this nice juicy packet from Kaiser containing info about how to manage morning sickness, how to eat well, how to sign up for Lamaze classes, etc. Apparently, Kaiser is all about the packets because with the miscarriage, I got some tasty material on dealing with grief, what a D&C is, and a slew of other things that I didn't bother to look at. I probably should. The dealing with grief one suggested doing volunteer work or making a career change - neither of which I have the energy for.

I said I was going do a triathlon after the next baby. Once upon a time, a marathon was the impossible. Now, the triathlon is. I've never been a good swimmer. I never made it beyond the beginning swimmer classes. I just wasn't good at it. Right now, it's a constant effort to stay afloat, to keep my breath, to keep moving forward. I hate that life was easy last week, and this week it feels like swimming.

P.S. Don't think the irony of the title of this blog has escaped me. What an asshole I am. I did fail at human reproduction. This time anyway.

P.P.S. Dally's been doing really funny things like grabbing my absolutely-off-limits phone and doing victory laps around his play yard like he's just scored the last Golden Ticket. Keep shit in perspective, M.

Follow up: I just received threatening words from Anne who probably will bow out of our Neil Diamond concert date tonight if I don't articulate what a FAAAAAAAAAAAAbulous mix she made me. And it really is. Just don't listen to it if you feel like walking in front of a bus. KIDDING. There's even a song on there called "You Are the Best Thing." Yes I am, and yes you are, Anne.