I think I'm having a miscarriage. It started around 10pm. I was in bed reading a parenting magazine. Suddenly, I felt like I wet my pants. I went to the bathroom and saw weird shit on my underwear - which was inconclusive because I was wearing red underwear. But then I happened to look down and I saw a redish mass in the toilet bowl - it was the size of a piece of penne pasta. I threw a bunch of toilet paper over it and I flushed it. I screamed to John that I thought I was having a miscarriage. When I got out of the bathroom, I grabbed my phone and called the one person who would tell me what to do. I have a friend that has been through this a couple of times. She half-joked about writing a how-to manual about going through the miscarriage process. I needed that manual RIGHT NOW.
She talked me through it and told me to go to the hospital or at the very least call the advice nurse.
I opted for calling the advice nurse who asked me a bunch of questions, put me on hold for awhile, and then told me to call the appointment line at 7am tomorrow morning and schedule a same-day appointment. She also wished me good luck.
I can't sleep. It's past midnight now and I will probably stay up until the appointment center is open for business. I did some research on the Internet and shit doesn't look promising. The fact that stuff came out, not just blood but tissue, and that more tissue just came out right now when I went to the bathroom again suggests my baby is gone.
The advice nurse told me to save the tissue. I flushed it. I might have flushed my baby, my little penne pasta, away. I don't know what's a better fate - a Kaiser petrie dish or the sewer.
As with Dally, I planned to keep this pregnancy under wraps until the first trimester was up. But because of big mouths and badly kept secrets, everybody knows. This fucking sucks. So I'm writing this in the event that this turns out badly. I'll point everyone to this graphic truthful statement about that one time I lost a baby.
Follow up: It's a done deal. There was no heartbeat. The D&C was performed Wednesday night. I'm OK. John's OK. We'll try again later.
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1 comment:
Oh my dear friend... I hope that you don't use this experience as a reason not to share good news with me next time... YOU KNOW I can keep a secret (remember Paris?)... I am so sorry for your loss, but am greatful that you are handling it quite well. I say this until I get the call to come talk you off the roof... p.s. I've had to do THAT before too (talk someone off the roof). Anyway... it all just reminds us exactly how special life is... seriously... I know it's cheesy, but sometimes we all need a little cheese.
Your penne pasta will have someone to play with in the sewer... my little "bean." I'm sure they are not alone.
We now have angels in heaven looking over us.
I wish you peace.
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