The Five-Year Protection Plan

Gas to go to the doctor's office = $20
Co-pay = $15
The possibility of not having a period for five years = priceless

Since dudes can write about their intimate experiences at strip clubs, I'm going to write about my intimate experience at the gyno's office. TMI my ass - this is a public service announcement.

A friend of mine who is also totally done with being pregnant had told me about how completely awesome the Mirena is. Mirena is an IUD. I didn't know exactly what an IUD was other than that its failure was the reason yours truly is alive today. (Shout out to my mom for being in the 1%.)

But my friend said, "It's like I don't even have periods anymore!" My ears perked up. No more periods, you say? Now that's a cause I can get behind. So I was all on board to get it.

Then my other friend got the Mirena. Concurring with the first friend, she said it was a painful insertion process. But hers was also followed by tremendous cramping that had her taking some serious muscle relaxer/vicodin/ibuprofen cocktails. She ultimately had to get it removed. Turns out, you really should think long and hard about getting it if you've never pumped out a kid - apparently that can make all the difference.

Not taking that into consideration, I chickened out. I don't like pain, and I especially don't like feminine pain (read: menstrual-type). After I had #2 I had the most painful cramps I've ever had in my life and I had no intention of revisiting that so soon again.

Then I got my period.

Goddamn, getting your period sucks. I forgot how much it sucks, having been pregnant and all. That's like the only good thing about being pregnant, that and the baby that you eventually get, but only if it's not a little butthole (as #2 is not).

So I phoned my health care provider. I asked for an appointment to get the Mirena put in and they told me there was nothing available for the next month; someone would call me back. Cool, I thought. This would give me plenty of time to change my mind. Not more than 15 minutes later, they called back and said my CNM could see me tomorrow at 1:15pm. Shit.

Fortunately, it was an otherwise busy and stressful day so I didn't spend the morning fixated on how sucky an evening I might have, how it might affect my P90X performance, and how I might be super cranky or high on painkillers that night.

I went in and unknowingly took a pregnancy test. Damn right it was negative. Then the nurse took out what looked like a tie box. It was like 20 inches long.

"This is the Mirena."

So I'm thinking to myself at this point, "Holy shit, how's that supposed to fit inside??!?!!?"

She smiled and said the CNM would be in shortly.

Now my CNM is the coolest chick ever. Aside from the fact that she rocks, she also happens to think I'm funny - which means a lot to me because John thinks I am not at all funny. And everyone thinks he's super funny. So as we're having this conversation about how I should be a stand-up comedian - her idea, not mine - she says, "That's it. It's done."

Which makes me think she scammed me. She probably doesn't even think I'm funny. She just knows me really well. (Excuse me if my idea of a good time doesn't involve latex gloves and a speculum.)

So whatever. I'm not funny; John's the funniest guy ever. But the bottom line is I've got no cramps, no spotting, no nothing! I may not have a period for five years and for that, let us rejoice.